Sometimes the gods don't necessarily punish us by giving us what we want....the Book of Revelations Part 1

Okay that's not really how it goes. "Sometimes the gods punish us by giving us what we want" is how the saying really goes.
I have up until now been involved in a relationship that would make most women's toes curl. And not in a good way, was what I had like to think most of the time. I have overcome a lot in my life: losing my father physically for 18 years, losing my mother emotionally the day she remarried, I threw away opportunities, dabbled in drugs, have a history of bad men and bad debt and an unwanted pregnancy of a boy who I can today not live without and most of these bad things came because of my own bad choices. When I arrived back in Cape Town, minus my car, my job, my furniture, and a father for my baby, that was probably the lowest I could go. Not to mention humiliating. It was humiliating that I proved everyone right by doing what I did. I have always said that i will never become an unwed mother who packs down at her parents place because she fucked up her life too much to make it on her own. Guess what? I became exactly that. Have you ever tried living in a house where half the occupants just hate your guts for ever returning to (what is supposed to be) your place of safety, and the other half is fighting between wanting to love and help you but also loving the hater party, and wanting to please him? Yes, you are right its pretty k@k.
From the moment I laid eyes on my new born son I knew that our lives would be different. Most mothers kiss their babies because they love them so much. I kiss mine because not only do I love him insanely, but also because I need to remind him that he will always be loved. Even if he doesn't get A's, even if he doesn't go study, even if he gets involved in drugs and have bad girlfriends and an illegitemate child. I don\t want this for him, I want him to have the life I was supposed to have. but because I know how quickly things can fall out of bed I want him to know my love is constant in a world where we are continuously expected to adapt to changes.
The past 14 motnhs were tough, not to mention the past 20 years. But I have managed to find a pretty awesome job, with decent pay, I bought a car and I met a guy. Wouter and I have had our ups and downs like most couples. But we are also not really like most couples. We don't share a room to start with, never converse during day time, don't do anniversaries, valentine's and birthdays.
I had a huge issue with him and the fact that he wasn't very hygienic on himself, even though his house was spotless. There were some other issues such as his inability to enjoy social situations but those were minor.
I have to add that this man loves my son more than he probably loves me. And my son is crazy over him. He is to my son what his own father never wanted to be. Just this weekend he came home with a small plastic table and chair so Zander can have his own space in the living room to sit and eat his meals. It warms my heart to see how proud my son feels for being able to get on and off the chair all by himself.
I have been very honest with Wouter about my aversion to marriage and he has taken it all in his stride. And I am starting to wonder of my irritation was really with him or just myself? Was I annoyed at myself because maybe he has proved me worng about men? Maybe I'm annoyed because I proved to myself that I can in fact get a decent guy that will treat my child and I the way we deserve to be treated.I'm not used to being treated this way, I'm not used to being in charge of a household where there is always money available. Wouter doesn't think twice to spend money on us, whether it be groceries with specific items I like, or body wash for Zander he thought smelled nice. I've bitched about him not being socially forthcoming but have I really given him a chance? I took him to a braai at my school friends' place several months back and he never said a word....maybe because between Cezzanne and me we would terrify most people into being quiet?
My question here is: HAVE I REALLY GIVEN HIM A CHANCE? A FAIR ONE?
Let's weigh the pro's and cons:
Pro's:
1. He ALWAYS treats my son and I with respect. ALWAYS.2. He allows me to do my own thing without asking questions. Even if I stay out until 22:00 with the OPM girls he doesn't phone me because "he knows where I am, so he didn't want to spoil my fun by checking up"3. He allows me to run his household. I buy the groceries, pay the maid, do the planning.4. He spoils us rotten. Maybe not with jewellery and toys, but he often buys unnecessary thing just because he knows I or Zander likes it.5. He always takes Zander on weekends from 07:00 to 10:00 so I can have a sleep in. During this time he makes an effort to play with him, give him breakfast, nap a little. And when I wake up I don't have to ask what's up, I get a full report so don't have to guess whether my son has eaten or is tired.6. We split our house chores effortlessly, with him often taking more tasks than me. When bathing Zander I can hear my son scream and giggle and the bathroom is a war zone of splashed water and wet towels, but thats okay because I know my son had fun.7. He makes a point of kissing me hello and good bye, even if he is only going to buy some yoghurt or fetch DVD's.8. he traded his bakkie (almost fully paid) for a nice family car so we can have the car seat in.9. He wants to sell the house because the stairs are dangerous now that Zander is walking and because we need a bigger garden for when we want to buy Zander a dog. This from someone that doesn't really like animals.10. He always aks my opinion in everyhting before making decisions.11. He always makes me coffee when I have woken up.12. He tries really hard to be more hygienic, and maybe I should just accept that Rome wasn't built in a day.13. My son thinks he is the best thing since buttered toast
These are just the things i can think of now.
Cons:
1. He still doesn't shower at night, although he does sometimes and he has started brushing his teeth in the mornings as well.2. He is sometimes just too law abiding. Don't ask. I have to hide all my copied cd's or else he chucks them away. He does have a point though.3. He doesn't always get my twisted humour and end up saying soemthing in response to something I have said that makes no sense at all.4. He is okay with our living arrangements. Me having my own room. It's so weird and wonderful that it freaks my out.
Why all this all of a sudden you ask?
Because he asked me to move in with him this weekend. These are my options:
Option 1:I don't move in with him. I stay with my parents and continue trying to reach the ultimate goal of having my own household and my own place. Zander and I go back to sharing a room, worrying about waking up at 06:00 on a Saturday morning because we will wake up everyone else. I go back to being my son's nanny, because my mom is sweet, but very dominating. And she has yearbned for a boy all her life, so it's not like she takes over intentionally. My stepfather is irritated by my very presence and we seize every opportunity possible to draw blood. I have always wondered whether this will improve if I ever get my own place. It takes nothing to be civilised to him, but in my mind I have killed him many times over.
Option 2Take Wouter up on his offer and learn to live with his faults. I cannot always have everything my own way. I was honest with him about not wanting to get married and he was fine with it. The lure of having my own household, an own room for my son and the possibility of being in control of my life again is increibly luring. I'm starting to think I need to look deeper for the origin of my general aversion to my boyfriend. I'm starting to think that he isn't the source, but maybe just the easy person to deflect it on, because he is so soft and easy going. And then I am in doubt, what if it doesn't work out and I end up breaking my child's heart?
People take so many things for granted. To many ironing clothes, doing your washing when you want to, and buying groceries is a chore. To me it's a symbol of my freedom. Few people will understand the excitement I felt of being able to buy PRINTED toiletpaper (with the puppies on) this weekend and not stress whether I will make it through this month. Hell, I can even decide to buy at Wooolies foods from now and and he will not bat an eyelid. He passes that credit card without asking questions, paying for whatever it is I bought. I don't buy nonsense, but I could without him complaining about paying for it. I'm not trying to sound materialistic here, but I come from a backgorund where I was the provider, and where one one ply toilet paper was the norm.
I thi nk this weekend I just finally realised what my son and I can have, emotionally and physically. As opposed to what we have at the moment. And even if I work very hard, he still gives my son something I can't, a father figure to be proud of......
On another note, I'm starting a new blog whithin the next few hours that will follow a new battle I have started...my battle with food addiction. I'm keeping it funny and witty and will try to update daily. Watch this space for the website details!