The Crying Game

I'm not a person who cries very easily. In fact, I don't really cry at all. Crying (to me) is a sign of (my own) weakness and an emotion I can easily replace with another that will not make my face swell or make my battle paint run. Any woman knows that there is no such thing as waterproof mascara.

I didn't cry when my parents got divorced, I think I was more relieved that they finally got to the point of doing it. I didn't cry when my fianceé left, I was too pissed off about the fact that he even took the toothpaste with, which meant I had to go and buy some more. I didn't cry when my son was born, I was too doped up on pethidine to realise that I just became a mother. Other women cry at the sight of theur new baby...and I just said that he smelled funny.

There is only one person in this world who can make me cry, and that is the very same son I just mentioned. This weekend I just once again realised that I have never in my life seen anything as beautiful as this boy, and this was my thoughts when he came back from playschool all dusty, smelly, with chewed Flings matted in his hair and Bovril smeared all over his face from lunchtime. We have a little game. After bath time I don't dry him with a towel. I usually just put him on the bed and he would start rolling around and squirming all naked and clean and wet, while I would try to catch him and bite any exposed piece of skin I can find, or blow on his tummy. Usually he would try to stick five gummy toes in my mouth to distract me from his very edible, very ticklish sides.....not realising that most mommies could survive on a diet of baby bum and toes alone. So on Friday, after finally getting him cleaned up and presentable, we played our game. And I again realised that there is only one beautiful child in the world and every mother has him/her.

I sometimes wish I could take my son and hide him from the world. I used to think that men have it so much easier than women, until my son came along. Now I know that men feel the same hurt, pain, love, joy, sadness, anger and rejection that women feel. I know that in order for Zander to become a balanced adult one day, he needs to have his heart broken at least once, lose a pet at least once, deal with the death of a friend/grandparent, be disappointed by a friend and be in love with a girl he might not ever be able to get. He must still learn all the lessons I have started to forget, learn that life isn't necessarily over when you think it's over and adjust to a world that is slowly becoming harder and harder to survive in. When I think of this I want to hold him to my heart and never let him go, because I would gladly suffer all those hurt in his place if it means he will always smile as trusting and innocent as he does now. But I know I can't and that it would be unfair to him to do so anyways.

Owl City currently have a huge hit called Fireflies. This song made me realise that with all the wrong in the world, there will be moments when the sheer beauty of something will make you go teary. And these are the moments that count. For some it's the sight of thousands of fireflies against the nightsky, for others it's the sight of their baby boy fast asleep in his favourite choo-choo train pj's, smelling of pooh bear baby lotion and washing detergent. At times like these it's okay to cry, and to want to stay awake all night and stare instead of sleep. It's okay to look in your rearview mirror and cry when you see your son eating flings from a packet.....the very same boy who mere weeks ago put up a fight against any food not pureed in the food processor.

Every person has a point in their lives where they doubt their abilities and skills. But I have never been more proud of myself as I am now, because I can look at this small human being and without vanity say: I DID THIS. If I never excel at anything else in my life, it's okay, because I am a mother and this is what I am good at. My son is the single greatest achievement of my life, and nothing will ever be greater than this.

So maybe, as a mother, it's time to accept that I will be crying more these days and if it's tears of joy it's maybe not a sign of weakness after all..